I definitely have OCD. But what does that MEAN? In my opininion… to obsess, is to constantly run on a hamster’s wheel with a thought or a desire. Round and around and I’ve just seen the Oxford define compulsive thus: adjective
- 1)resulting from or relating to an irresistible urge:compulsive eating
- (of a person) acting as a result of an irresistible urge:a compulsive liar
I’m not OCD in the way you wash and wash your hands or straighten towels endlessly. I was. Rather, it started like that. Now it’s a loop in my head. I obsess endlessly about things my father said to me growing up. Then I’ve this compulsion to call him. My sister is going through hell at the moment and she speaks to him. Finally it’s a disorder in my system because I can’t allow that man back into my life. He is dangerous. If you follow this blog I have pointed that out on more than one occasion.
We need fathers, daughters. We need a strong man to look up to. Was I turning all my lovers into fathers and that’s why they just could never cut the mustard on one level or the other? Do I deserve to be this angry? Do I reserve all the anger I have for my father for my partner and son? I think I do. I think what comes out of my mouth from time to time results to hate speech.
When will this obsessive, compulsive disorder that my life is in, HEAL?
Some things I can’t forget that my father said: Nelletjie-An. Get off your high horse girl, you’ll fall so hard. I’m not an alcoholic, I am a drunk. Alcoholics have to go to all those boring meetings. Get a life, you get it for free. ‘Blokkies Joubert’, the David Kramer song just played on the radio and the whole legend just came flooding back. I’ll write about it some time.
Meanwhile, I have to start deciding which wolf to feed.