Blue period.

For Shana, ‘Just a hoe. With babies’ blogger (I’m going through a Picasso’s blue period. A Shana period as writer. )

They are calling me delusional online, saying I should get back on my meds behind my back.

These are women who purport to be champion advocats for breastfeeding.

Would you little girls prefer I apologise for being better at this work than you are?

What fucking meds?

The actress thinks I organised a breastfeeding shoot so that I can distribute the pics of her ‘baps’ nogal, to some breastfeeding porn ring.

The shoot brief is babies under 2 being nursed in a public space. The Maha Al Musa meisies are vying for my blood.

The stuff shared on Anel’s group is such trash! Glad I disassociated long ago! pipes up the owner of a Facebook group that is advocating for women to be segregated while nursing in restaurants. Or at LEAST cover up at the table.

Good luck with that lady. You’re not living in one of her majesty’s territories anymore. This is Africa.

And when shopping, her stellar suggestions for normalising breastfeeding include that you go to a ‘facility’.

‘Where there’s like wi-fi and a flat screen TV.  I gave it a 5 star rating, ladies!!!’ She reports excitedly.

I wonder if she noticed the brimful bin of soiled diapers in her fuckoff facility.

Why do you want us to feed our children where they defecate, Breastfeeding ‘Friendly’ SA?

It’s like Drama School all over again.

Jose liked my selfie on Facebook last week where I was crying for my mom.

Liked it. Is that because all those years back in London I said I didn’t FUCKING CARE that Gary lost his mother?

Boohoo motherfucker.

We were sitting with Maurice at the bar. Me in the middle. We’d been celebrating graduating year one and we’d been klapping the pints since lunchtime. They had both wrapped an arm around me and then Gary turned his face to me and smiled. The pain shot through my left breast like a million pins and he wouldn’t stop squeezing. My pint almost automatically tipped into his lap.

He’s up and shouting WHAT THE FUCK.

Maurice didn’t see what he did and kept asking ‘What happened doll?

What the fuck just happened? My doll-face!?’

I join Jose and other sane individuals at their table.

Gary advancing toward me fast and a whole pint of beer flies into my face.

‘You fucking slag’ he whispers.

Eyes burning like my boob.

I jump up and run. Blindly to the bathroom. Water. Water. Howl in a cubicle. There are knocks on the door.

Then banging.  You are to open up this door at once, Anel.

Fellow thespies demanding an explanation for Gary’s wet pants.

I can’t speak. Sob sob sob.

‘Well what the fuck did you expect, love?’

He grabbed my boob at the bar for fuck’s sakes ladies!

‘Gary says you’ve had it in for him since day one, Anel.’

‘Yeah I’m afraid if you’re gonna behave like a psycho bitch, things like this happen, Anel.’

Enough. I work my way through the stares out front.

‘Wait’ says someone from the other class.  ‘I’m a cabby by trade. I’ll give you a lift.’

I cry all the way home. Throw off the lacy catsuit. Sob sob sob.

We go to college for assessments. No-one makes eye contact with me. It’s like me and Matt being the only ones getting the Equity once again.

Only this time Maurice’s Chinese eyes aren’t liquid black and he is not lifting me up in a hug, smelling like heaven.

They are snake slits and his beautiful black arms are crossed.

My mouth can’t make the words he hurt me Maurice. Don’t be angry with me.

Gary is his brother from another mother. I am an uppity white bitch from Saf Africa.

Someone from my class eyes me suspiciously while we wash hands. She wants to know wha’ appened?

I show her the black bruises on my boob. She bursts into tears.

Oy, Gary grabbed her tit she’s shouting.

She’s lying they’re shouting. She hates him, she would make that shit up.

Fucking psycho cow, tha’ one.

I’m gone girl. Forever, as it turned out. A year later an update from class, Jose saying they’re so sorry Gary’s mom died.

Now that I’m motherless too, I feel sorry for her other kids and husband’s loss.

No, I didn’t press charges. And Jose and I are still friends.

Never underestimate the sheer evil of – the stupidity – of the mob.  I thought you learnt that at 21, Anel?


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